Category Archives: MUSINGS

January 19, 2013

AN UNCERTAIN CERTAINTY

By JL

I don’t know what marketing genius came up with the catch phrase “women of a certain age” to soft soap those of us in midlife and beyond. I only know it never caught me. To embrace the MAD Goddess within is not about a number. It’s not about turning a certain age, it’s about reaching an age of certainty.

Yet here I am, never more uncertain about my life and its unfolding from here.

My husband survived the “Widow Maker” five years ago this month. That is the name cardiologist’s use to describe a blockage in the left descending anterior artery, or the main blood supply to the heart. The odds of surviving such a blockage are astronomical. The odds of living five years beyond aren’t much better.

Twice since then, I have followed a siren blaring, light flashing ambulance to the nearest medical facility, preparing myself for the worst news they could give me upon arrival. Both times my husband spent five days in cardiac intensive care and months afterward recuperating to his new normal, a bit more diminished each time.

He’s been good at beating the odds all of his life. He’s that guy that everybody says has a horseshoe in his back pocket. I just hope the horseshoe is facing up and still holding a good portion of luck, because the odds are really starting to stack up against him.

In two days my husband is undergoing triple cardiac by-pass surgery. Five years ago, they told us he was not a good candidate for this surgery, but now he has three additional blockages (along with the original and a second that were each stented five years ago). Without the surgery, his cardiologists believe he won’t last the year. If the surgery is successful he’ll be given a new lease on life.

What the doctors don’t say out loud, what nobody says out loud, is that there is almost as good a chance that with the surgery he might not make it another day. His diabetes, his COPD, his compromised immune system all combine in a perfect storm of complications raging against his chances.

Losing my husband would mean the loss of many things to me. With his condition putting a premature end to his working life, he is my constant companion and I his. As any wife of a retired man will tell you, too much togetherness isn’t ideal. But with the Grim Reaper stalking our thoughts, it’s far easier to let little annoyances go.

There is more, though. His physical limitations not withstanding, we like (or liked) the same activities and our impetus to do or not to do matches up. Two people can both enjoy bowling, or cycling, or playing cards, but if one wants to do it every waking moment and the other is a once a week kind of player, it’s not a match.

We like to watch the same movies, we like the same restaurants. When we travel, we agree on destinations and what sights we want see when there.

In the bigger picture, we share the same values and goals in life. But, perhaps most important of all, because we are not clones of one another, we respect and support our differences. I hate to use the worn out cliché, but it is true that he is my best friend. He has my back, always.

Like we said when we made it official, for better or worse. And believe me we have had our share of worse. Not just the misfortunes we have no control over, like his health, but the kind of bad that we create ourselves through our own human failings. We have faced off with each others’ ugliness and when the dust settled, we were still standing – side by side. We know things about each other that nobody else in this world knows.

Which brings me to the most important reason he is my best friend; I trust him. Not just to keep my secrets –  I trust him with every aspect of my life. So though we’ve only been married for ten years, though we were both married before and know that there can be many loves in one lifetime, I know that with this man I beat the odds and found my soul mate.

It’s uncanny how many times our paths crossed before our eyes (windows to the soul) finally connected. We grew up just four blocks away from each other. We attended the same grade school, though he was ahead of me. We discovered (after finally meeting), that we had in fact attended many of the same celebrations – weddings, birthday parties. We once even sat at the same banquet table completely unaware that of the others’ presence.

In three short days from now, if my life is to continue without him, I have no idea where the path will lead me. His absence will cause tremendous changes, not the least of which revolves around financial security. I quit my job four years ago to spend more of the time left to us with him. In retrospect it was a bad choice, but one I will never regret.

I have put myself in a donut hole. Our income has been his SSDI. My small contribution from creative pursuits amounts to fun money – an annual vacation, a new sofa, maybe a regular car payment. A long, long shot from a living wage.

Because of our age difference I am not yet eligible to receive survivor’s benefits if he dies. It’s right and logical; if I were at least sixty I would be close enough to retirement age that good old Uncle Sam would give me a buy on this one. As it stands, I have five years to go before qualifying for early retirement, more than twelve before I reach my own full retirement age of 68-plus.

Knowing this I spent some of the past four years improving my job skills and earning a degree. Knowing this I have also put my toe in the water of re-employment, sending out resumes and applications for openings in my field. I have not advanced to even one interview.

Scary. Very, very scary. Whether it is the economy, the dismal job market or my age working against me, I am standing on the precipice of being hurled over the cliff into poverty.

My step daughter and a friend have both experienced similar misfortunes in the past year, each losing their husbands to cancer. Each of these women were forced to make the choice of being full time care-giver to their husband at the expense of their job, the expense of their financial security, the expense of having their own health care insurance to fall back on. Each of these women were literally forced by their employers to choose between their jobs or caring for their dying husbands.

It seems unfair. It seems heartless. It seems we are forced to choose between our own best interests and what is best for our husbands and right by our marriage vows to stand by them especially in sickness.

I made a bad choice for my future, but the only choice I could live with. Anything beyond that is uncertain.

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Life Unscheduled, Self Care

November 26, 2012

Black Friday: Is This Bill of Goods Worth the Bargain?

By JL

It’s been said the secret to happiness is learning to want what you have instead of longing to have what you want.

What kind of anarchy is this?

If that simplistic philosophy were to take root and grow, it would surely smother the very breath of capitalism and consumption economics in America.

There is no denying it — we are a nation of great consumers, using up, replacing and upgrading; always wanting more or better than what we have.

It’s the American way. An entire industry, if not the very economy of our country, is based on it; suggesting the need, creating the desire and closing the deal — the holy grail of marketing.

About a week ago, while perusing the shelves at the local discount chain, searching for the right toothpaste to meet my dental needs, I spotted a newcomer to the already 50 or more choices. One major brand now offers an age appropriate formula for baby boomers.

Age appropriate toothpaste isn’t exactly a new concept. A tot formula was introduced some time back, presumably made with less potentially injurious ingredients if ingested. Turns out small children like to swallow the paste made with flavors, like bubble gum. Go figure.

I donned my cheaters and started comparing ingredients listed on the packages only to find the senior toothpaste, formulated to address the needs of aging gums and teeth — gingivitis, enamel loss and sensitivity — were virtually the same ingredients in the complete care formula I’ve been using.

Curious, I went on to spend more time than I should have reading the backs of numerous brands and formulas. Here’s the short breakdown to save you the trouble: The active ingredients are the same regardless of which benefits the packaging touts. So pick your poison.

In other words, go for the flavor that you most like, or the freshness factor when done brushing, or the sensitive paste if you need it. Choose the sparkly gel or the abrasive paste. Buy pearly liquid dispensed in drops or paste that foams from a pump. It’s all going to do the same job.

Having taken numerous marketing courses in recent years, I can tell you that the confusing array of seemingly different options to choose from is all about the pitch. And the pitch is all about giving lagging sales a shot in the arm.

Here’s another time saving tip for you. The same applies to shampoo, hair conditioners and styling products, cosmetics and facial creams, nutritional supplements, and OTC medications across brands. Just pick the ones with containers to match your décor, or prices to fit your coin purse. It’s all going to deliver the same results.

Really, the marketing hype permeates almost everything we purchase. The buzz promises, healthier, whiter teeth; smoother, flawless skin; cleaner, whiter laundry; sleeker body style and magic assist parking; fuller flavor and fewer calories; better fit with secret control panel; bigger screen, more aps, unlimited minutes; smaller chip, more memory. If all else fails, we can replace the things we already have with things that are a new color, new shape, longer, shorter, smaller or bigger.

Is it any wonder we old broads become more and more invisible as the years add up? What do we have to offer that is new? Although, we are most definitely improved. Perhaps we need a marketing campaign for that; “Wiser – Kinder and more user friendly than ever before!”  Okay, that last part might only apply to the grandkids – but still truth in advertising.

I digress. The only thing really new about these consumer products is the packaging and the pitch; nothing more than devices to reposition a familiar product at the front end of the marketing cycle and generate an increase in sales. And all of that redesigned packaging with the associated sales campaign to launch a “new and improved” product drives up the price of what we buy.

Go consumption economics!

So to Black Friday, I say now’s the time to throw down your circulars, break ranks and join the revolution. Free yourself from the oppression of acquiring everything you want. Go back to your warm bed and find your bliss by finding satisfaction in what you have.

As for us old babes who are genuinely getting better ever day, I say raise your own value – you are definitely worth the investment for the true happiness you bring to others.

2 Comments | posted in Aging Gracelessly, Beauty and Image

October 26, 2012

Sarah Palin’s Faux Paux – Just Another Excuse for Latest Hairball She’s Hacked Up

By JL

Just when I thought former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin could no longer cause me to drop my jaw in disbelief, again she astounds me with her most unbelievable gaff yet.

In a note posted on her Facebook page accusing President Obama of lies and a cover-up regarding the attack on the consulate in Bhengazi, she wrote “President Obama’s shuck and jive shtick with these Benghazi lies must end.”

In the aftermath of opposition from numerous critics, Palin rebutted with more than a trace of ire, explaining she often uses the phrase when chastising her daughter for avoiding homework. “Just to be careful, from now on I’ll avoid using it with Piper, and I would appreciate it if the media refrained from using words and phrases like igloo, Eskimo Pie, and ‘when hell freezes over,’ as they might be considered offensive by my extended Alaska Native family,” she stated.

Explaining that she would choose to chastise President Obama in the same way she gets after an immature school child adds insult to injury. Her choice of words in this latest verbal debacle exposes a transparent ethnocentrism based in dislike and fear of those who don’t fit into her group of white, American-born patriots. Her phraseology harkens back to a time in our country when African American’s were enslaved, treated as having no more intelligence than a young child and denied a voice in their own governance. It is on par with the empty chair on the GOP convention stage, lauded as brilliant by so many of her party’s rank and file. As a standard bearer for conservative American’s, Palin should endeavor to elevate the larger political dialogue above the use of such demeaning language.

It is a stretch to believe that she intended no slur by her use of words that most well socialized persons understand to be a dated ethnic stereotype. That would be akin to believing she might teach Trig the well known counting rhyme, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, without changing the offensive and inflammatory subject in the follow-up sentence from a bygone era, to the current “tiger”.

An illustration Palin herself might more readily understand (and I make this assumption because there are two Downs children in my own extended family) would be to call a physically or mentally challenged person a “retard” in this day and age. Everybody knows better.

If Sarah Palin wishes to place herself in a position of leadership on the political front, she does not have the luxury of being a lazy linguist. It would serve her well to take the time and make the effort to expand her cultural and social education, and smooth the sharp edges of her plain-folk talk.

The point is, by virtue of Palin’s lack of worldly sophistication I could call her a hick, a redneck, or socially retarded (to use the word in its true meaning of delayed development), but that would just show ignorance on my part.

And that said, Congratulations Sarah Palin, you win the MAD Goddess Faux Paux Hairball.

. . . . . . mid
GET A ^ LIFE at MAD Goddess.com

Leave a comment | posted in MUSINGS